Days of Mourning,Days of Grief and Dealing with Myself and Others

Things not to say to Me Right now.......


He or she has gone to a better place (mabye you believe that to be a fact but not everyone is not so sure)

It’s all part of God’s plan; God now has another angel; God wanted him or her in heaven (Please do not pass your religious or spiritual beliefs on to me, I may or may not belive this and it hurts me more to think that I am a bad person because I don't believe the same things about God as you do)

If there’s anything I can do, just tell me (I am independant and will very seldom ask for help and it just grieves me more to have to ask. )

I know how you feel )NO, you do not know know how I feel)

There’s a reason for everything; it was his or her time (I hate this one the most)

It’s been six months—isn’t it time to move on? (There is no time limit set for how long it takes for grief to subside,)

o Get over it already. (I hope you never have to have somebody say that to you.)

o Don't worry you'll see him or her again someday. (Maybe so but when, and what makes you so sure?)

o He is or she is not hurting anymore. (Maybe so, but I am hurting and there is not way I can find out if my loved is free from pain or not. )

o He or she isn't here on earth suffering like we are. (You don't that, they may be suffereng just as much)

o How are you coping with this huge void in your life? (That is none of your business and you are not helping out by asking me this questions)

o I am divorced, so I understand how you feel (At least that person is still walking the earth and you can still have some communication with them and your love for them is not the same as for a spouse who you loved and had not divorced.)

Maybe it was for the best. (For the best maybe, but saying things like this does not help a grieving person; it certainly doesn't feel for the best right now that I wish I could die)

o People die everyday. (Of course they do but that does not make it any easier for the grieving person who has just had their heart ripped out to feel any better)

o Stop dwelling on it. (You try that when that when your whole world just ended)

o They are in a better place. (And you know this how?????)

o There is a reason for everything that happens. (Could be, but you better tell me right now what it is)

o Well, Jill how are you making it without Jack? (Where's my gun?)

o When are you going to get rid of this stuff? (What do you care?)

o It's not good for you to stay in the house all of the time. (Getting out of bed is hard enough for me right now and getting out of the house is a major chore. I feel like crawling under a rock most of the time. I go out sometimes because I have to and sometimes I want to but if I go out with you, you need to know that I am still grieving and may not be good company and not judge me and if I want to stay in at home and maybe in bed for while, I will.)

o You should have been prepared for your husband to die when you knew he had cancer. (Yes, but you are are never prepared to lose the love of your life and even though I wanted him to die because he had to, my grief started when he first got sick and it seems like if will last longer because of it.).

You will find someone else. (Please don't tell me that, especially at my age; And do I really want to lose a 3rd person?)



Divorce is NOT the same as the death of a spouse. Yes, you are mourning the loss of a life together, hopes and dreams that have ended but that person is still on this earth walking, talking and breathing. You still have that choice if you want to talk with them. Death gives you no choice.

Delaying the grieving process not only prolongs your healing time, it can be worse for you in the long run. Holding it all in to "be strong" for everyone else can affect your own health, mental status and well being.

I have to admit, in the past I am guilty of saying some of the same "stupid things." I thought I knew what grief and grieving was and that it was basically the same for everyone, but it's not.

I have grieved for my mother, father and grandparents but until the death of my husband and it was only then, that I came to realize the different levels and depths of pain each of us go through when a loved one dies.

If you are a family member, a friend or coworker of someone dealing with a loss, just be there for them. Let them talk, ramble, rant, rave or whatever they need to do. Don't ask if there is anything you can do, just do it if you feel you want to help out.

The Life of a Care Giver

When Randy was diagnosed with MDS, he went down hill quickly. I was his care giver. At first it was not too bad but it meant leaving the house daily for early morning chemo and anti-biotics whch wore both of us out. It meant 8 different times in the hospital and the summer was so hot and parking places at the hospital were hard to find. Every day was a chore. I was living on auto pilot. We no longer got Randy out of the hospital and home, then he had to go back because of so many setbacks. He had to have blood and platelets twice a week; sometimes in patient and sometime out patient. His electrolytes were always out of whack which affected his brain. He was also found to have congestive heart failure.

I was so tired and I really didn't have too much time to grieve only that the Randy I knew and loved was not with me since his diagnosis. He was not lucid most of the time. I had to sleep lightly because he would get out of bed and fall or wander all over getting into things like pouring my scentsy wax out all over and moving things around and couldn't find the bathroom, often urinating on the rug and pulling out his pic line. It was a nightmare. Many times he yelled at me telling me to just leave him alone. I tried to help him get around but he fought me all the way. Then I was hospitalized for a some kind of infection and irregular heartbeat and high blood pressure. Randy was somebody who liked to be in control and he just would not give up his driving. When anyone but him was driving he almost had a nervous breakdown. But he nearly wrecked us one night when he was ill while driving and he finally knew he had to let go of his control and let me drive.

I was living in a nightmare that I could not wake up from. I caught sleep whenever I could. Randy was most anxious during the night. I had to keep him medicated or he got violent, fell down and bruised himself. Often times when he was somewhat lucid, he would cry and ask me to forgive him and that I was the best thing that happened to him. He would say he was sorry for being cruel during his terminal restlessness and that he was just plain scared to die. He finally had his motor home and then he was too sick to use it. He said he was so confused because he did not know half the time where he was or even who he was with. This made him more anxious and confused.

I know now how hard it is for a care giver. It's probably the most challenging and heartbreaking thing anyone will ever have to go through, especially a loved one. Watching them change completely. Watching them suffer. Having them yell at you when you are only trying to help. Having them try to tell you something but the words don't come or they are incoherent. Being worn out to the point of exhaustion. It gets to the point where you just want them to leave this world as they are suffering and the care giver is getting to point that they are almost ready for a break down. Please appreciate the care givers. Their job is probably the hardest job that anyone would have to do. And then to watch them die in front of you and it is bitter sweet because you know they are suffering but at the same time you really are never ready to say good bye to your loved one.