The lady we stayed with in Santa Rosa has a sister who is a famous writer. Her name is http://www.ellynbache.com/

Starting over

I can't get into Facebook to get my Memory Lane journal back which makes me so angry. Maybe somebody who can get it can copy it someplace

Right Now I am trying to use this blog again but it's a whole new learning curve since I have not used it for so long. I hope you all can even get in here to see what I write. If you still use this blog you can probably get in.

Just Mad

Just spent an hour updating my blog and Google did not save it.  It will probably take me another 6 months before I get around to it again.  I think it was something to do with Internet Explorer and as it did not happen using Firefox.

Check back later when I get in the mood to write in this again.

A New Home After 43 Years

 

My New Home

 

In 1970 we moved from our small home in Beverly Place subdivision to my parents home and my home that I lived in before I married.  My parents moved there in 1955.  Dad decided he wanted to move and offered us to buy the house. I lived in that house through 2 more births of my 7 children and deaths of 2 husbands.  The house was so big, so many memories and I just wanted to start over with something new.  I never moved before because of John and Kathy but now Matt and Kelly need a home for them and their 4  children and I needed John and Kathy to stay there. And I wanted the home to stay in the family as Alex had done so much handiwork there.

So after Randy died, I was ready to move but had to wait almost a year for Matt to get his act together. He finally got a short sale and I was lucky to find an apartment in Pleasant Grove for people over 55.

I first wanted to move to Green Bay Wisconsin with Tammy but I have friends here and family and things going on. I love my new apartment and the people. It was so much work to get move and I never want to move again!

I had a fund summer of going on a tour to central California and then to the Tuacahn with the seniors and then a very long girls road trip to Wisconsin with my daughter Monica and granddaughter Lacey. Lots of fun but tiring.  To see more about Wisconsin and the photos there see: http://tulabell.blogspot.com/2013/07/4th-of-july-photos.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Tulabell+%28Tulabell%29  Tammy's blog.

I found out I had diabetes and the meds I was taking made me very sick and have low blood sugar. I am on different meds now and feeling better and I have lost weight.

There are lots of activities here at the apartment complex and I plan on taking more classes this fall with Beverly and going to Branson MS in November.

Playing the Waiting Game

Still waiting and waiting for Matt's house to go through. It looks like I will  be spending the summer here after all and probably live in the motor home until fall. I have a couple of exciting trips planned. One in May to California to Monterrey, Big Sur, Salinas, Carmel, San Francisco  and Yosemite. We had been studying John Steinbeck in our classes. I am sharing a room with a total stranger. But it will be an adventure.

Then I plan to go to Mesquite NV and St George with the Seniors in June. Tammy and Charlie will come here and take all my belonging to Wisconsin and then in September I will drive there after living in the motor home for the summer.

I am so sick of the cold. We had a bad winter. Today is sunny the wind is cold and biting.  I have started to date a little. One guy I dated was my age but looked 80. Another is one I have had several dates with. He helps me with my computer. So for now I am just playing the waiting game and almost beginning to think it  will never happen.

Cold Winter Days

Well winter is here in all its glory. I think I live in Alaska. It has been hard since Randy's death. It's miserable and cold and dark. I dream of him often and in my dreams he is alive and well. I hate to wake up to reality. Another blasted birthday has come and gone. I am what they now call elderly. I find life gets quite boring. I keep thinking I am going to move soon but nothing comes of it.. I have been packing and everything is cluttered. My kids took me out for my birthday. It was wonderful except for the crowds. I went to Idaho for Christmas. The weather was bad on the way home. The holidays are not what they used to anyway.

My little Gimli cat is now my constant companion. He is soft and furry and keeps me warm. My desktop computer and my printer neither one work. I now only have my laptop. I chat sometimes with people online. I met a scammer and he didn't fool me. I no longer chat with him. My reading is my life now. I love non fiction and memoirs. Beverly and I are getting ready to start some classes for seniors. The last ones I found boring. Hope this season is better.

John and Kathy and I took the bus to Green Bay. It was a hurried trip. We had a good time but the ride was very hard. I know that I can live in Green Bay and be comforable. I will miss other family though. After coming home, I got really sick with a sinus infection which is still not completely gone. Not much to say, except I hope it gets warmer soon. And that I find out soon what my future move is going to be. I hope I can use my motorhome in the summer. I may sell it.

Days of Mourning,Days of Grief and Dealing with Myself and Others

Things not to say to Me Right now.......


He or she has gone to a better place (mabye you believe that to be a fact but not everyone is not so sure)

It’s all part of God’s plan; God now has another angel; God wanted him or her in heaven (Please do not pass your religious or spiritual beliefs on to me, I may or may not belive this and it hurts me more to think that I am a bad person because I don't believe the same things about God as you do)

If there’s anything I can do, just tell me (I am independant and will very seldom ask for help and it just grieves me more to have to ask. )

I know how you feel )NO, you do not know know how I feel)

There’s a reason for everything; it was his or her time (I hate this one the most)

It’s been six months—isn’t it time to move on? (There is no time limit set for how long it takes for grief to subside,)

o Get over it already. (I hope you never have to have somebody say that to you.)

o Don't worry you'll see him or her again someday. (Maybe so but when, and what makes you so sure?)

o He is or she is not hurting anymore. (Maybe so, but I am hurting and there is not way I can find out if my loved is free from pain or not. )

o He or she isn't here on earth suffering like we are. (You don't that, they may be suffereng just as much)

o How are you coping with this huge void in your life? (That is none of your business and you are not helping out by asking me this questions)

o I am divorced, so I understand how you feel (At least that person is still walking the earth and you can still have some communication with them and your love for them is not the same as for a spouse who you loved and had not divorced.)

Maybe it was for the best. (For the best maybe, but saying things like this does not help a grieving person; it certainly doesn't feel for the best right now that I wish I could die)

o People die everyday. (Of course they do but that does not make it any easier for the grieving person who has just had their heart ripped out to feel any better)

o Stop dwelling on it. (You try that when that when your whole world just ended)

o They are in a better place. (And you know this how?????)

o There is a reason for everything that happens. (Could be, but you better tell me right now what it is)

o Well, Jill how are you making it without Jack? (Where's my gun?)

o When are you going to get rid of this stuff? (What do you care?)

o It's not good for you to stay in the house all of the time. (Getting out of bed is hard enough for me right now and getting out of the house is a major chore. I feel like crawling under a rock most of the time. I go out sometimes because I have to and sometimes I want to but if I go out with you, you need to know that I am still grieving and may not be good company and not judge me and if I want to stay in at home and maybe in bed for while, I will.)

o You should have been prepared for your husband to die when you knew he had cancer. (Yes, but you are are never prepared to lose the love of your life and even though I wanted him to die because he had to, my grief started when he first got sick and it seems like if will last longer because of it.).

You will find someone else. (Please don't tell me that, especially at my age; And do I really want to lose a 3rd person?)



Divorce is NOT the same as the death of a spouse. Yes, you are mourning the loss of a life together, hopes and dreams that have ended but that person is still on this earth walking, talking and breathing. You still have that choice if you want to talk with them. Death gives you no choice.

Delaying the grieving process not only prolongs your healing time, it can be worse for you in the long run. Holding it all in to "be strong" for everyone else can affect your own health, mental status and well being.

I have to admit, in the past I am guilty of saying some of the same "stupid things." I thought I knew what grief and grieving was and that it was basically the same for everyone, but it's not.

I have grieved for my mother, father and grandparents but until the death of my husband and it was only then, that I came to realize the different levels and depths of pain each of us go through when a loved one dies.

If you are a family member, a friend or coworker of someone dealing with a loss, just be there for them. Let them talk, ramble, rant, rave or whatever they need to do. Don't ask if there is anything you can do, just do it if you feel you want to help out.

The Life of a Care Giver

When Randy was diagnosed with MDS, he went down hill quickly. I was his care giver. At first it was not too bad but it meant leaving the house daily for early morning chemo and anti-biotics whch wore both of us out. It meant 8 different times in the hospital and the summer was so hot and parking places at the hospital were hard to find. Every day was a chore. I was living on auto pilot. We no longer got Randy out of the hospital and home, then he had to go back because of so many setbacks. He had to have blood and platelets twice a week; sometimes in patient and sometime out patient. His electrolytes were always out of whack which affected his brain. He was also found to have congestive heart failure.

I was so tired and I really didn't have too much time to grieve only that the Randy I knew and loved was not with me since his diagnosis. He was not lucid most of the time. I had to sleep lightly because he would get out of bed and fall or wander all over getting into things like pouring my scentsy wax out all over and moving things around and couldn't find the bathroom, often urinating on the rug and pulling out his pic line. It was a nightmare. Many times he yelled at me telling me to just leave him alone. I tried to help him get around but he fought me all the way. Then I was hospitalized for a some kind of infection and irregular heartbeat and high blood pressure. Randy was somebody who liked to be in control and he just would not give up his driving. When anyone but him was driving he almost had a nervous breakdown. But he nearly wrecked us one night when he was ill while driving and he finally knew he had to let go of his control and let me drive.

I was living in a nightmare that I could not wake up from. I caught sleep whenever I could. Randy was most anxious during the night. I had to keep him medicated or he got violent, fell down and bruised himself. Often times when he was somewhat lucid, he would cry and ask me to forgive him and that I was the best thing that happened to him. He would say he was sorry for being cruel during his terminal restlessness and that he was just plain scared to die. He finally had his motor home and then he was too sick to use it. He said he was so confused because he did not know half the time where he was or even who he was with. This made him more anxious and confused.

I know now how hard it is for a care giver. It's probably the most challenging and heartbreaking thing anyone will ever have to go through, especially a loved one. Watching them change completely. Watching them suffer. Having them yell at you when you are only trying to help. Having them try to tell you something but the words don't come or they are incoherent. Being worn out to the point of exhaustion. It gets to the point where you just want them to leave this world as they are suffering and the care giver is getting to point that they are almost ready for a break down. Please appreciate the care givers. Their job is probably the hardest job that anyone would have to do. And then to watch them die in front of you and it is bitter sweet because you know they are suffering but at the same time you really are never ready to say good bye to your loved one.

Goodbye Randy September 17, 2012: Jennifer's Visit

Well Randy is finally at peace. I am not yet. I spent a horrible hot summer in the worst waking nightmare anyone could ever imagine. Poor Randy suffered so much he lost his mind. I did not have him for but a short time before he was not even Randy anymore. I miss him so much and now I need to learn to fill my days and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I do have lots to do and I need to go through thousands of Randy's things to do decide what to do with them. I do miss him so much. He left way too soon.  If you want more details of Randy's life, go to his MDS journal on my Facebook site.

Jennifer did visit for a few days and we went to a musical with Felicia and out to eat. We enjoyed time at the canyon house. I have not been feeling well again and have to go for more medical tests today. I have to take Wellington in to have an absessed tooth removed. Got more of Randy insurance and finance things to take care of. I did get one life insurance check.  There's always something to do but somebody is missing from this house and it is lonely.

Days and Days and Day...just not sure about anything just yet

Nothing much new to say here. My time is consumed by trying not to think or trying to think too much. Randy is about the same. To read about him go to my Facebook and choose Randy's MDS Journal.

I am thankful for those who have connected with me and offered support.  I surely do keep busy with all the running back and forth and not feeling too well myself has been hard but it keeps my mind off my aching body to some degree.

Randy's MDS and Camping ...Who Knows?????

We could hardly wait for summer. Camping season. Randy had been so tired. Well his hip hurt and he walked wobbly. One leg was longer than the other. He figured that was tiring him out and I am sure that added to it. He kept plugging along doing things that needed doing around here and paying for it later with constant pain and crippling fatigue. It got so he could not walk without a walker or some support if he had to walk very long. I had to walk very slow because he was always so far behind and believe me, I am a slow walker! Testoterone shots helped a lot at first. But then did not seem to later on. Well, he says and Matt agreed, a motorhome would be so much easier for him to set up than and truck and trailer. So we found a used motorhome we liked and traded in our truck and trailer. We were so ...excited. We already had three camping trips set up. A couple of weeks before our first camping trip, Randy began to experience terrible mouth pain and loss of appetitie. He lived on liquid. He thought it was his bad dentures and he got new ones, he also had a bone coming out on the roof of his mouth and the dentist fixed it and said it should heal. But his mouth just would not heal. We filled out motohome up with food and out we went for our first trip of the season in our new motorhome. It was so exciting. We took my little cat Gimli as we had before and he is a great camping companion. However, he got scared when Randy took him outside to put him in the motorhome and he scratched Randy. Randy got antibiotics and a shot but the scratch got much worse as well as his mouth did. He also had cat scratches from many months ago that had not healed and his toes were red and infected. We enjoyed our camping trip as much as we could at Crystal Hot Springs despite the fact the Randy was so tired and had no appetitie. So when it ended, we still had most of our food because Randy did not want to eat.
The cat scratch on his hand had because so much worse. It looked like a Brown Recluse had bitten him. His toes and feet were bad and he had a long scractch on his leg that he had gotten several months ago while moving a bed. Anyway, we had another camping trip set up so we went even tthough Randy was not feeling well at all. He tried to make the best of it. We enjoyed Matt and Kelly Jo Grace Carrillos company and Tina and her family as well at the campground. A few more days passed at the campground. Randy could hardly function and spent most of his time in the chair or going to bed really early. He went to bed really early every night. He was losing weight as well. The campground was not too far from the DR so he went in and after a blood test and seeing all of Randy's sores, the DR became very concerned. He said Randy's white and red blood cells were both low and abnnormal and put him in the hospital. We had to cut our camping trip short by 7 days but at least we got to see several deer. And we brought home a motorhome full of food. Next I will write about the diagnosisgnosis.


In May 2012, Randy Minor was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) In order to keep everyone up to date and aware of this disease that nobody really has heard of and to keep a record of Randy's day to day trials with this disease, I am starting this journal. This journal can be posted to and will be private from other folks on FB. I am hoping all of you will get to know a little more about the disease and what our life now entails. I am also writing a history of how we found out about his diagnosis.



Rita

Myelodysplastic Syndrome